Yeh shehar nahi mehfil hain!

I might have gone slightly over my monthly budget but I just got an absolutely fabulous house in Panchsheel, gym membership at Fitness First and access to a very hot dark blue Skoda. I am living THE life. But I won't be able to drink/party/eat Mediterranean food as much. Happy compromise, I think. :)

Now, let me do the math. I hope I can save/invest a little bit.

Giving in

The new job is interesting. The people are great! Intelligent, funny and I think I'll enjoy working with them.

And I'm falling again. I hang on to every word like they're his last. I hate that I can't discuss it with anyone. Damn. I shouldn't be so distracted.

Biblio

Read:
An Atlas of Impossible Longing - Because some of the lines can potentially transform you.

Past Continuous - Because it's disturbing to find that you've had some of those savage thoughts too.

Looking ahead

I brought the beautiful weather with me to Delhi! It's brilliant, all my anxiety and inhibitions, with Panic Attack playing in my head, were quite unnecessary. I went to Aura at Claridges, a welcome back to Delhi for good thing. Had the most delicious tofu and sprouts spring rolls and the mandatory Mojito(s). It was fun! Woohoo! Life is waiting!

"Poised between the illusion of immortality and the fact of death"

Air travel has become such an ordinary occurrence in our lives, yet many of us feel an eerie uneasiness when we fly. We browse the mundane in-flight magazines while a 35,000 foot chasm of emptiness lurks just beneath our shoes. The flight attendants point out towards emergency exits that really go nowhere. We snack on mini pastries while just a few inches away, airstreams that are minus 50 degrees rush by.

And beyond all that is the vast nothingness, peppered with illusion, habit and little idiosyncratic rituals until something interrupts our day dreams. We hear the pilot's strained voice, garbled message and wonder for just one moment, will I break apart in freakish panic? In life too, we live inches from oblivion. We stand on a foundation of imagined or preset belief systems. Our only real security is to embrace insecurity.

So the next time you fly, board the aircraft as though entering a sacred battlefield, smile at that pretty airhostess, acknowledge the instructions on wearing your seatbelt correctly, place your tray table in its upright position, and gaze straight past the mini pastries and the random conversations into the unforgiving depths of the absolute.

To choose one is to forsake the promise of all others.

So a combination of things. I read the 2004 posts on Sun's blog, someone was on that same introspective trip - what am I doing with life and such - the one that I go on so often, a friend's wedding plans did not work out and the gloomy weather. Somehow the perceived clarity I have on what I want to do with life seems more like resignation than control. Like I've started believing I made this choice rather than having it thrust on me, which really it has been. This firm, this job, this city. Just a coincidence. Right place, right time, a little bit of luck and lot of preparation. Definitely not choice. If I had it my way, I'd be travelling to exotic places, writing, singing, doing more development work. I wish I had more financial independence.

Anyway, somehow the expectations of women is so much lower in our society. It's extremely insulting. I can understand if there is a difference in those fields that require brute strength but in professional life, it's bizarre! And women tend to reinforce that. In their families, their children. I just wish I could shake them up and tell them, we've come such a long way and we have so much more to do.

Women and human rights. These issues are something I want to be involved in when I move to Delhi. And tiger conservation. I hope I don't make new excuses to myself to rationalize my laziness.

I really don't want to become another irrelevant life.

September 01, 2009

So, on the birthday, I contemplated getting another tattoo. But I really didn't, couldn't, decide on the design. I was looking for a word that would sort of define what I wanted my next 25 to be. And then find the Chinese word for it. But then Chinese translations are so loose. The Department of Public Relations is still called the Department of Propaganda and that is the most respectable of their gaffes. So you can imagine why I didn't. The word I came up with, though, is passion. This is the very essence of humanity, I guess. The Greeks got it right too. They asked just one question upon the funeral of a companion. "Did he(/she) live with passion?" All the South east Asian symbols for passion (Japanese, Thai especially) actually look tattoo worthy. Oh well, maybe I'll get it on New Year's eve.

On the birthday eve, I suddenly had this debilitating attack of, what can only be called, temporary neurosis. I felt like I was losing grip of time, I shouted and cried and was in an erratic mood for most of the morning. (But my friends who bore the brunt of this, say they actually expected it to be much more pronounced!) Anyway, we went to the Park for lunch to get my mind off it and figure out how I wanted to celebrate. (Damn, why do I give birthdays such extraordinary significance? Stupid vanity!) S suggested I should just check in and pamper myself. And I did! I went to the Sky spa for 4 hours and it was pure indulgence, even experienced the chocolate body wrap. Then dressed up and had the buffet dinner till we were stuffed! Came back to my room to find a lovely Dom Pérignon and decadent chocolate cake which simply said, 'Happy Birthday, Div C'. Ah, what a luxurious birthday. Got the expected calls and messages and a few pleasant surprises too (Thank you Facebook?!?). I did not set myself up for disappointment like I did in 2005, when I kept praying all day that John Abraham would accidentally dial my number on my birthday. Yeah okay, I know I was all of 21 then!
Decided to have dinner with mom, so took the evening flight back to Hyderabad. Damn, I'm such a homebody.


Was about to take a Meru cab back home when I met someone who stayed at Valley a couple of years back. Got a ride home in a Merc S class. We discussed the ISB Board Meeting that he'd just attended, the infrastructure and real estate industry and my favourite topic, carbon credits. It was quite an engaging, 1 and a half hour conversation. Talk about birthday bounty! Mom was surprised, even though Dad sent her a "Your horoscope says you will get a surprise visitor tonight" message. He's adorable! Cut another awesome chocolate cake and a blueberry cake. Thanks D and dad!

Hated: Those kids who've just begun to talk and have the fabulous vocabulary of exactly 20 words or phrases and repeat them every 2 seconds to the cooing appreciation of their mothers. Hate it even more if this happens on the same flight where I'm trying to get rid of my hangover by getting some shut eye. And absolutely hate it when the mother relates every single incident from the exact moment of birth to the first step to the first word in a voice matching the frequency of the baby's, to some hapless stranger seated next to them!

Loved: Reading Outlook's 100th edition with 100 best travel destinations in India and marking of most places as those I've already been to and amazed that some of the best were not even included. Also enjoyed talking to an oldish couple who were coming back after meeting their daughter in the IRS. When I told them that I would stay in Delhi, they rattled off a list of the best coaching centers for the UPSC examination and told me that I had to take it next year. Atleast try, they said.

New year, new resolutions

In the spirit of commemorating my 25th, I have decided to write everyday. From the mundane to the spectacular, even if it's just a line or a twitter-esque update, I will write everyday. And will add a picture when I can :)
(Yes, it was a momentous occassion for me and hence worth the celebration. So there.)