Today, I am more lost than I was at 18. I have such an over-articulated life. Every emotion has an outpouring of observation and intricate analysis. Why? How? Questions that destroy peace. I just want to be.
What perturbs me most is how I associate with other human beings. Even my most intimate relationships seem to be an amalgamation of what I am and how I want to be. A little inauthentic.
Over the past eight years, one person has been a constant. Whose love for me seems unrestricted, almost impractical. And I reject it, more often than I accept it. I seem to thrive on being defiant and provoking angst in him. It's almost subconscious. But I yearn for his immutable presence in my life and now more than ever, I am obliged to him. For allowing me my small liberties and loving me, just the same.
Perhaps it's time I tell him how I really feel.
Sunday, October 25
Friday, October 2
Act a fool
My next post will be my 200th published one apparently, not counting all those drafts which just lie in some database, a little apologetic for being so incomplete.
I think I should make the next one memorable. Something defining. I'm not that inspired at the moment.
Anyway, I want a couple of rasogollas from Cal, some really sumptuous Italian food, a relaxing manicure. I need to buy gifts for the parents, the sister and the grandmothers to commemorate my first salary.
Work's good, I don't have as much responsibility as I would like. But I've been kind of lax, making very basic errors. I need to get my act together. Can't go to work all lethargic!
I like the flourishing friendships, the brutally honest conversations and all the new people in my life. I also like how I seem to be losing weight without making a huge effort.
I want to watch Inglorious and Wake up. Both have very good reviews. I want to finish Past Continuous and start reading a new book every week. I also want to download some new music. Or just spend hours listening to the old songs.
God, I'm falling into one of those insignificant cycles of living the mundane life. Good job, good house, good food. Bah.
I think I should make the next one memorable. Something defining. I'm not that inspired at the moment.
Anyway, I want a couple of rasogollas from Cal, some really sumptuous Italian food, a relaxing manicure. I need to buy gifts for the parents, the sister and the grandmothers to commemorate my first salary.
Work's good, I don't have as much responsibility as I would like. But I've been kind of lax, making very basic errors. I need to get my act together. Can't go to work all lethargic!
I like the flourishing friendships, the brutally honest conversations and all the new people in my life. I also like how I seem to be losing weight without making a huge effort.
I want to watch Inglorious and Wake up. Both have very good reviews. I want to finish Past Continuous and start reading a new book every week. I also want to download some new music. Or just spend hours listening to the old songs.
God, I'm falling into one of those insignificant cycles of living the mundane life. Good job, good house, good food. Bah.
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