all crap...

suddenly i'm all grown up...

these days i'm actually thinking things thru...not bein impulsive....actually bein rational abt stuff...whether i'll regret doin wat i m...now i actually feel like i need a destination...a specific goal...sum kinda plan..but i was never a plan kinda person...i figured jus havin a vague idea of where i eventually wanted to b was fine.....i did things intuitively...wen i wanted to how i wanted to...i did make plans before tho'..u no the i'm-gonna-turn-over-a-new-leaf kinds...but resolutions never worked for me...cos i dint have the strength, discipline or determination to stick to them...but now thats the only hope i have..i want a succesful future...not 1 filled with insecurities... so now more than ever...i need a plan...i want 1...my very own yellow brick road...

i used to be so carefree...always so confident...overconfident actually...i had the kinda self-esteem that never let me down...but now i've started doubting my own capabilities.....i'm starting to doubt if i have any abilities at all...u no sumthin where i'm the best there is...i've already done the listing out all the positive attributes bit...i could only come up with things i'd done in my prehistoric life...a girl i dont even remember anymore...
i never questioned every emotion..never doubted every feeling...now all i do is dissect and overexamine every single thought i have....jus giving everything undue importance...
i always had answers for everything(maybe i never asked any tuf questions!!)

i wonder where i lost her...maybe i shdnt even b tryin to find that girl cos there r lotsa things i did regret..they're all trivial now..but back then they were major catastrophes...afterall they were MY problems...but maybe god(if there's 1)...maybe she has plans to make this end happy...maybe i hafta discover the path on my own...

i know life is supposed to be simple so its all gonna b alright...but the problem is there is no problem to jus set right....everything's fine....i am blessed with all the beauty in the world around me n all that crap....

doesnt seem beautiful at allll to me!

neway this can jus go on forever!!

maybe i shd jus go back to sleep...